To start, I want to say that the songs I’ve chosen to discuss aren’t necessarily my or our favorites or even our most streamed songs. They’re the songs that I think have something interesting to mention, like a story, or something about the creative process that, when we play it or I hear it, I think to myself, ‘I wish listeners knew this!’

I’ve decided to do this in album order, so today I’m starting with the first track on the album, Pink Dress, which is also one of the first we wrote under this lineup. If you don’t know the song, you can listen and read the lyrics below.

Everything is foggy
Now I can't see clear 
I fall in love and out
with all my biggest fears. 
I'm absolutely nowhere 
and it's the perfect place. I can't look you in the face, 
I can't look you in the face. 

Shook hands with the devil,
but lord she seemed so nice.
I know that it's a gamble
thinking I might do it twice. 
Drifted home in a bubble
like the good witch out in space. 
I can't look you in the face 
I can't look you in the face. 

This is just another game
I'm watching from above
tiny houses just like boxes
and it all fits like a glove 
and every answer's right
and every answer's wrong and it means the world and nothing at all if I ever play this song. 

I was thinking that I'm failing 
and always falling short. 
I was thinking things do tend 
to make their own endings of sorts 
but I was feeling like an artist 
who no longer needs to trace. 
I can't look you in the face, 
I can't look you in the face. 

This is just another game 
I'm watching from above
tiny houses just like boxes
and it all fits like a glove  
and every answer's right 
and every answer's wrong
and it means the world and 
nothing at all if I ever play this song.  

I was floating in that bubble 
with my pink dress on. 
I replayed that film in my head 
but the ending was all wrong 
cause endings never matter
And they're easy to replace. 
I can't recall your face 
I can't recall your face.

Writing Pink Dress had that sparkly feel to it, so I’ll never forget the two pieces of it: when I wrote the lyrics, and when they met their music. It was October of 2018, and it had been a few months of having Nathan in the band, so things were starting to take shape the way I had dreamed Panda Forces could sound one day. The tones that Nate could create, and the airy simplicity he brought, the way that he could make something so much better so easily. We weren’t writing much new material yet, and we weren’t playing a ton of shows at the time. To be honest, it was really frustrating to feel like we kept having to start from scratch between losing multiple drummers and then our lead guitarist. But on that night, we had been asked onto a bill with The Dangerous Method, Hungry Mother, and The Down Squad.

It was a free all ages show just a few days before Halloween, at Bellshire Pizza. We wore costumes. I was able to bring my baby along. (He loves watching us play!) One of our best friends was in town visiting, so he got to attend as well. There was delicious pizza, fucking great music and great vibes that night. Every band that played was fantastic, and you should go check them all out. Something about that night had glitter on it. I remember driving home with this feeling in my soul. It was literally foggy out (but that lyric really refers to uncertainty about the future) and I loved how it looked. Our set went well, we had the best time. I remember being so shocked that I could feel that way after playing a free show at a pizza joint. And that’s what Pink Dress is about.

That was the night when a lot of things changed for me. I realized driving home, that that was enough. Do I still hope with all my heart that one day our band could actually do this thing full time? Of course. I recognized we were “absolutely nowhere” as a band. But driving home, feeling like we finally had the perfect lineup, feeling like we were going in a magical direction, feeling like we just got to have a blast and people enjoyed listening, that was enough. If that’s all I ever get to do, and if I make no money doing it, that’s enough. That’s how much I love this life.

But Pink Dress isn’t just about being in a band. Pink Dress is about your whole life being enough. And beyond that, it’s about shedding your expectations. Sometimes I guess there are going to be parts of us that aren’t just hopes or dreams, but that are bigger than that. Things that are actually pieces of our identities, that feel inherent to what and who we are. And we feel like we’ll explode if they’re not worn on our sleeves. Businesses we want to start, differences we want to make, people we want to love, places we wish we lived. But what I learned that night was that even those big, huge parts of us aren’t deal breakers. That sometimes, things that seemed so important to our lives don’t work out because other things work out instead. And that it’s okay to recognize that sometimes. Pink Dress isn’t only optimistic – it gives you a moment to mourn what you’ll never have. But it asks you to do so in exchange for something else – maybe not something bigger or better, just something that is. Pink Dress says that where we are is perfect. It’s the perfect place. That there’s magic in pizza shops and foggy highways and babies in koala costumes and all-girl punk bands and that magic is not inferior to the magic that comes with living your wildest dreams. It’s what we get, and what we get is enough if we allow it to be.

A few other things I wanted to mention lyrically… The chorus of the song is an allusion to the song Little Boxes. I would call Little Boxes a critical song, and for most of my life, it’s been the kind of song where I would’ve been like, ‘yeah exactly!’ but in Pink Dress, I add, “and it all fits like a glove.” I loved Nashville, but ended up needing to move into a house outside the city. Part of me was a little bit afraid of settling down this way, and of sinking into that suburban mom life. But I love my town so much, and even though there will be parts of our lives that do get put in tiny boxes, those parts just sort of fit.

“And it means the world and nothing at all if I ever play this song” This lyric is an allusion to claims Elizabeth Gilbert makes in her book, Big Magic. This book was transformative to me, and it blew my mind when she pointed out that as artists, we are pretty much doing the biggest work imaginable, but also nobody dies if we do it wrong. We are doing something huge and also insignificant. The whole book drives this home, and I highly recommend reading it, but here’s one quote:

My creative expression must be the most important thing in the world to me (if I am to live artistically), and it also must not matter at all (if I am to live sanely).

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Lastly, yes, there are Wizard of Oz allusions. I love the image of Glinda the good witch floating in her bubble, and thought it was a lovely way to describe how I was feeling. Also, I had recently rewatched the movie and the ending was not how I remembered it, and I was disappointed. To be honest, I don’t remember what I thought should have happened. But on that night, riding home, I thought my ‘ending’ wasn’t exactly unfolding how I had planned either, but that endings never really matter. They’re easy to replace.

To wrap up this long blog (hey thanks if you’re still reading!) I wanted to talk about when this song came together. I had written the entirety of the lyrics in my head while driving home/immediately upon parking. At our next band practice, Nathan started playing a riff he had written, and I loved it. I said, “I think I have some lyrics that would fit with this,” and pulled up Pink Dress. I started singing, he kept playing, and the entire song was complete within maybe 10 minutes. And in that moment, that magic I had felt came back and I knew I found my perfect songwriting partner. This song will always mean so much to me, and I hope that when you hear it, perhaps you will be reminded that there is still so much magic left for you too.