Hey friends, welcome back to another behind the song blog! As I may have mentioned a few blogs ago, I won’t be doing this for every song off of our full length album, Cloud Iridescence, but there were a few songs that I really wanted to talk about, and share about, and Miranda is definitely one of them. This explanation requires a lot of backstory, an analysis of lyrics, plus a summary of a dream. So it is long, but I hope you’ll stick around because I think it’s pretty unique and I’m so excited to share it!

Before I dive into the backstory, here are the full lyrics:

We were intrepid, it seems for no reason
We were an infinite, fantastic feeling
Not really worthy to consult, but worth a room and in the know, and you don’t owe anybody that
You cut a conversation short and I can’t quite tell
If it was insincere, a strangeness you felt
Or if you simply didn’t care; I came from out of nowhere; why would you care about some juvenile book

But while you still
Know my name
Take the time
To set the record straight

Keep a good record of these eyes and all they hold
The warmth of my arm on your neck, the energy so thick
And all the depths of the cosmos swam between our souls
Or whatever, you know

I didn’t mean to say that I know something real
You don’t owe explanations of the way you feel
Not to the masses, or to me; I simply wondered if you’d seen
A connection that was forged deep in steel
Or was it never really more than how it started
You tried to shoo away the highlight of the party
As a not-so-subtle strip show from a singer, famously she’s in the ringer
We’ve all made desperate, sad plays like that

But while you still
Know my name
Notice what
Means something

Keep a good record of these eyes and all they hold
The warmth of my arm on your neck, the energy so thick
And all the depths of the cosmos swam between our souls
Or whatever, you know

I think I’ve known you before
In dusty eyes, you ignore
My one-sided fantasy
A whirling past
Only me
I’m either so in touch, or so out
Your expression tempts my doubt
Call me crazy

Alright, so first things first. If you’ve ever caught a live performance of this song, you may have heard me mention that I wrote this song in a dream. That is true, and it’s part of why I was most excited to blog about this song in particular. I wrote this song in my dream about my dream. It was an extremely exciting and magical feeling for me.

A little background on my experience with sleep and dreaming. Several years ago I suffered from insomnia and nightmares. I would stay awake nearly all night most nights, and when I fell asleep, I would have bad dreams. They weren’t usually about a monster under my bed, or something abstract. They were real, tangible possibilities that left me deeply emotionally disturbed when I woke.

Around this same time, I was watching a lot of films like Vanilla Sky, Inception, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and others that dealt with the subconscious or the unconscious worlds. I became obsessed with the idea of lucid dreaming. So I downloaded an app that was essentially a guided meditation, but with a storyline that directed its listeners to remain aware once asleep. I achieved very deep, restful sleep and awoke happy! Eventually, after a lot of time practicing with the app, I began to experience lucid dreaming. It is nothing like in the movies, and it would take a VERY long time for someone to learn how to move buildings, or make it rain pizza, or find and make out with Brendon Urie (trust me on that last one.) But what I found was that lucid dreaming meant mostly pleasant dreams where I was able to work some things out, and experience new places unlike places I had ever dreamt of before. I can visit New York City in my dream world, but it’s nothing like the New York I know in my waking life.

After having done this on and off for years, I began to get more creative in my dreams. On a few rare occasions, I’d awake excitedly having dreamed up a new creation, and they were usually recipe ideas. I was baking a lot then, and working at a coffee/candy shop. But I had never written a song in those dreams until Miranda came about all of those years later.

Now there’s just ONE more piece of background information I want to give before I breakdown the song and what it means to me. Months before dreaming Miranda, I met my favorite band of all time, The Shins. Long story short, Seth and I gave a few of them a ride when they needed one, and then months later when they returned to Nashville, they remembered us, and thanked us by hanging out with us and introducing us to their singer and my personal hero, James Mercer.

I literally do not have words to express my love for The Shins. And I don’t even mean musically, because that would take an entire separate blog post. I mean as people. Jon Sortland is legitimately one of the nicest, most down to earth people I have ever met, and every single one of The Shins were very sweet, were fun to be around, and honestly felt like people I would be close friends with if they weren’t The fucking Shins. Now I froze up a little when I met James Mercer. I had a hard time speaking, and I was smiling so hard my face was sore. This is not because I was starstruck. This is because I did not know how to speak to him. This man’s words literally shaped both who I am as a person and as a songwriter. I wrote an entire novel while listening to one of his albums, and a ton of it was inspired by imagery he uses on that album. What do you say to someone you have just met, but whose words were the only thing that comforted you when you cried alone in the dark while your whole world fell apart? Someone whose words reminded you that you could do better and be better than what you were allowing yourself to get by on? What do you say? I don’t remember saying much, but I remember one really important thing that he said to me, and that was, “hey, thanks for getting it.”

As a songwriter myself, I knew exactly what this meant, and I was so pumped that the one person who I look up to more than anyone else as an artist, understood that I got it. This is all I can hope for as a writer myself. That one day, someone gets it and it makes a difference for them. I was hyperaware of myself, and after the fact, I wondered what that experience was like for him. Because I knew it would have meant something to me, but I also know that he is famous and has probably experienced it a lot. But thanks for getting it. That means something, right? And I wondered if he was just being nice, or if he truly felt significant in that moment, and I thought about what it meant to be the fan in this dynamic.

This song was originally titled, When Your Heroes Meet You. I was fascinated by this notion that it meant something to be the admirer, and that it wasn’t just the fan who was lucky to meet the artist, but that the artist was also lucky to meet a real fan. And I liked this title because I think the idea of this transcends music, but extends to anyone someone might look up to. We talk about meeting our heroes but we never talk about our heroes meeting us. However, the title felt wordy and a bit cliche. Also, Seth and Nathan kept calling it “All My Heroes” which made me absolutely hate it. Instead, we named it after a different singer mentioned in the song, literally just because it was funny to us. Read on for that.

So the dream that wrote Miranda came many months after that meeting. The dream itself was pretty silly and random. In the dream, my band and I had met The Shins and given them some sort of idea for a project (I don’t remember whether it was a big album, some sort of event, or what,) but later on they ended up bringing us out to meet with them at some sort of event. They paid for a hotel room for us and everything and when we got to the event, the band announced that they were moving forward with a collaborative project (inspired in small part by the ideas we had shared before) and that they were planning on working with a few other bands. We were not one of the bands they listed, but they invited us out to this event because they wanted to thank us for chatting that first night. We were of course totally fine with it, although we were a little bummed we didn’t get in on the project. We were just excited to have helped out.

After the announcement, there was a party, and there were a lot of people there. One of the people at this party was a famous country singer with the first name Miranda. Yeah, that one! This was not long after she had gone through a public and painful divorce (in real life) and so in the dream, she was kind of acting out, seeking attention, looking for validation. We can all relate, right? She ended up just stripping in front of everyone! It was so random and everyone at the dream party kind of laughed it off. I still have no idea how she would have even been at this party, let alone why she was stripping, but that’s why dreams are fun right?!

Meanwhile, in the dream, I had gotten to have a one-on-one conversation with James, and I essentially poured my heart out about what he meant to me as an artist, told him about my novel, and all of the other things that I wished I could have said in real life when I met him. I don’t remember the details of the dream as clearly now that it has been nearly two years since I had it, but I guess that James seemed a bit distracted and kind of ended the conversation to focus on the party.

So the song wrote itself in this way (and of course I made some amendments or filled in words that my memories had missed, or things like that after I got up) as I was waking from the dream. It was literally like the song was being played through headphones that stayed on as I slowly slipped into the waking world. I grabbed my phone and did my best not to wake entirely, as I jotted down every word I could. After that, I messed around on my guitar until I found the right chords. Once I got our guitarist, Nathan, in on the song, I knew we could finally see the full picture, because Nate has lots of great pedals on his board, so if I drew a picture, he colored it in. I remember telling him, “can you make it sound sort of like you’re having a dream about The Shins?” and you know what? I think he did.

So now, let’s talk about the lyrics a little bit more because they’re not exactly straightforward all the time, and when I sum this song up by saying “it’s a dream about The Shins” I am always afraid that I will sound like a positively insane fangirl because some of these lyrics are certainly not light. So in the dream, as I had that conversation with James, those feelings I mentioned earlier, about wondering what the significance was in being the artist meeting the fan, all came back up again and were explored more deeply.

In the first lines of the song, I talk about how meeting James in dreamland felt like some sort of major connection was between us. It’s like an unspoken sort of understanding. Then I go on to talk about James ending our conversation, and that I wondered if it were because he did feel a major cosmic connection with me as a person or artistically or in some important way, and it made him uncomfortable, or whether maybe he just didn’t care about what I had to say. Why would you care about some juvenile book? (The novel I referenced was a YA fantasy that I originally started drafting when I was just around 19.)

“But while you still know my name, notice what means something,” is a line that I like a lot. I’ve never been a famous artist, but I can imagine that James doesn’t remember my name, and I’m not sure any of The Shins do. And what that means to me is that we both only get a limited time with one another. For me it’s because I don’t know if I’ll ever catch their attention again. For them it’s because they’ll likely forget me whether they mean to or not. But we both lose that connection, and that connection means something – something BIG – and that something is the only reason that musicians make it in this world: the effect they have on others.

The chorus to Miranda feels like lyrics to a love song, if you don’t have context. But you do have context, so you know that I’m not a total creep writing some weird stan love song for James. In fact, we are still talking about the significance of the brief, fleeting moment of connection between the artist and the listener. These lines are the listener (me) urging the artist to pay attention to that moment and hang onto it as something they can reflect on later, perhaps when life isn’t as good as this. “Keep a good record of these eyes and all they hold,” is literally ‘remember how I look at you – that someone sees you this way.’

“The warmth of my arm on your neck,” refers to a polite goodbye hug as the conversation ends, but again ‘remember it all.’ “and all the depths of the cosmos swam between our souls,” refers to that massive nonverbal exchange between me and James that rings true in real life too. Again, he doesn’t know about it, but he has majorly changed my life, cosmically and in ways that not only changed me, but changed my writing that others read, my songs that others listen to, the way that I think, which then in turn affects my parenting, and what type of friend or lover I am. I mean this is no small thing. And surely there are artists out there who do not sing about the vast realm of topics that James paints upon throughout all of The Shins discography, and maybe the effect they leave on fans isn’t so deep as this, but James has written on nearly every major thing that I could confront in life, and thus, the exchange is exactly cosmic.

I end the chorus with “or whatever, you know?” and I love this line very much. It’s what separates me from James as a lyricist. I hope that maybe being a fan of his has left a certain little Shins-esque sparkle to the way that I write in some small way, but sometimes I find something so straightforward and even a bit cheeky, and I think, ‘that’s entirely me,’ and it makes me smile. This is that. I say all of this sentiment in a romantic, wordy, shimmery sort of way, only to punctuate it with, “…or whatever, you know?” Which is also a bit coy. Like when one kid says that they don’t want to do something, “..unless you do?”

The second verse starts with “I didn’t mean to say that I know something real,” and that’s my way of making very clear that I am not projecting anything onto James. I’m not assuming to know him either in real life or in the dream realm. “I simply wondered if you’d seen a connection that was forged deep in steel, or was it never really more than how it started?” I basically say, ‘look I’m not trying to sound insane or pretend to know that this exchange means to you what it means to me, I just wondered if you felt the same connection that I felt? Or is the only reason you’re even talking to me right now just because my band had that idea and you’re being friendly?’

The end of the song slows down a bit and I think it’s my favorite part. It says, “I think I’ve known you before, in dusty eyes you ignore my one-sided fantasy a whirling past, only me.” This is literally, ‘I feel like maybe I knew you in a past life or something,’ and ‘I recognize that this connection is just something I experience in the dream world,’ (keep in mind I’m waking up by now in real life, so I am aware it was a dream.) And then, “I’m either so in touch or so out, your expression tempts my doubt. Call me crazy.” So basically, ‘I’m either really good at picking up on these sort of cosmic connections, or I’m absolutely nuts and I’m fooling myself into thinking that any of this really means anything more than me being a huge fan. The way you’re looking at me right now makes me think it’s the latter.’ But I say this last line sweetly, and usually sing it with a big smile, “call me crazy” And the reason that is the last line of the song, and it’s so affectionately placed (and note that it doesn’t rhyme or anything, it’s open-ended on purpose) is because in the end, it really doesn’t matter if this experience between dream James and dream Lauren meant anything, or if we really did meet in another life before, or if real James actually appreciated meeting real Lauren or if none of that is true. Because at the end of the day, the way that it feels for me to be so deeply connected to his music is extremely important to me. It’s positively magical. I mean this part for the dream and also in real life. There are only two artists who have made me feel deeply and profoundly understood and comforted. They’re James Mercer and Mitski. While writing a song with either of them, or having a deep conversation with them are huge dreams of mine, it really doesn’t matter if they return the feelings. The whole song says, ‘remember this connection, and what it means to you, if anything,’ but the very end says, ‘actually, it doesn’t matter if I’m absolutely forgettable to you, because this transcends the need for reciprocity. What you’ve done in my life is perfectly significant and beautiful and important on its own. I don’t need to be needed in order to need.’ So, call me crazy.

To start, I want to say that the songs I’ve chosen to discuss aren’t necessarily my or our favorites or even our most streamed songs. They’re the songs that I think have something interesting to mention, like a story, or something about the creative process that, when we play it or I hear it, I think to myself, ‘I wish listeners knew this!’

I’ve decided to do this in album order, so today I’m starting with the first track on the album, Pink Dress, which is also one of the first we wrote under this lineup. If you don’t know the song, you can listen and read the lyrics below.

Everything is foggy
Now I can't see clear 
I fall in love and out
with all my biggest fears. 
I'm absolutely nowhere 
and it's the perfect place. I can't look you in the face, 
I can't look you in the face. 

Shook hands with the devil,
but lord she seemed so nice.
I know that it's a gamble
thinking I might do it twice. 
Drifted home in a bubble
like the good witch out in space. 
I can't look you in the face 
I can't look you in the face. 

This is just another game
I'm watching from above
tiny houses just like boxes
and it all fits like a glove 
and every answer's right
and every answer's wrong and it means the world and nothing at all if I ever play this song. 

I was thinking that I'm failing 
and always falling short. 
I was thinking things do tend 
to make their own endings of sorts 
but I was feeling like an artist 
who no longer needs to trace. 
I can't look you in the face, 
I can't look you in the face. 

This is just another game 
I'm watching from above
tiny houses just like boxes
and it all fits like a glove  
and every answer's right 
and every answer's wrong
and it means the world and 
nothing at all if I ever play this song.  

I was floating in that bubble 
with my pink dress on. 
I replayed that film in my head 
but the ending was all wrong 
cause endings never matter
And they're easy to replace. 
I can't recall your face 
I can't recall your face.

Writing Pink Dress had that sparkly feel to it, so I’ll never forget the two pieces of it: when I wrote the lyrics, and when they met their music. It was October of 2018, and it had been a few months of having Nathan in the band, so things were starting to take shape the way I had dreamed Panda Forces could sound one day. The tones that Nate could create, and the airy simplicity he brought, the way that he could make something so much better so easily. We weren’t writing much new material yet, and we weren’t playing a ton of shows at the time. To be honest, it was really frustrating to feel like we kept having to start from scratch between losing multiple drummers and then our lead guitarist. But on that night, we had been asked onto a bill with The Dangerous Method, Hungry Mother, and The Down Squad.

It was a free all ages show just a few days before Halloween, at Bellshire Pizza. We wore costumes. I was able to bring my baby along. (He loves watching us play!) One of our best friends was in town visiting, so he got to attend as well. There was delicious pizza, fucking great music and great vibes that night. Every band that played was fantastic, and you should go check them all out. Something about that night had glitter on it. I remember driving home with this feeling in my soul. It was literally foggy out (but that lyric really refers to uncertainty about the future) and I loved how it looked. Our set went well, we had the best time. I remember being so shocked that I could feel that way after playing a free show at a pizza joint. And that’s what Pink Dress is about.

That was the night when a lot of things changed for me. I realized driving home, that that was enough. Do I still hope with all my heart that one day our band could actually do this thing full time? Of course. I recognized we were “absolutely nowhere” as a band. But driving home, feeling like we finally had the perfect lineup, feeling like we were going in a magical direction, feeling like we just got to have a blast and people enjoyed listening, that was enough. If that’s all I ever get to do, and if I make no money doing it, that’s enough. That’s how much I love this life.

But Pink Dress isn’t just about being in a band. Pink Dress is about your whole life being enough. And beyond that, it’s about shedding your expectations. Sometimes I guess there are going to be parts of us that aren’t just hopes or dreams, but that are bigger than that. Things that are actually pieces of our identities, that feel inherent to what and who we are. And we feel like we’ll explode if they’re not worn on our sleeves. Businesses we want to start, differences we want to make, people we want to love, places we wish we lived. But what I learned that night was that even those big, huge parts of us aren’t deal breakers. That sometimes, things that seemed so important to our lives don’t work out because other things work out instead. And that it’s okay to recognize that sometimes. Pink Dress isn’t only optimistic – it gives you a moment to mourn what you’ll never have. But it asks you to do so in exchange for something else – maybe not something bigger or better, just something that is. Pink Dress says that where we are is perfect. It’s the perfect place. That there’s magic in pizza shops and foggy highways and babies in koala costumes and all-girl punk bands and that magic is not inferior to the magic that comes with living your wildest dreams. It’s what we get, and what we get is enough if we allow it to be.

A few other things I wanted to mention lyrically… The chorus of the song is an allusion to the song Little Boxes. I would call Little Boxes a critical song, and for most of my life, it’s been the kind of song where I would’ve been like, ‘yeah exactly!’ but in Pink Dress, I add, “and it all fits like a glove.” I loved Nashville, but ended up needing to move into a house outside the city. Part of me was a little bit afraid of settling down this way, and of sinking into that suburban mom life. But I love my town so much, and even though there will be parts of our lives that do get put in tiny boxes, those parts just sort of fit.

“And it means the world and nothing at all if I ever play this song” This lyric is an allusion to claims Elizabeth Gilbert makes in her book, Big Magic. This book was transformative to me, and it blew my mind when she pointed out that as artists, we are pretty much doing the biggest work imaginable, but also nobody dies if we do it wrong. We are doing something huge and also insignificant. The whole book drives this home, and I highly recommend reading it, but here’s one quote:

My creative expression must be the most important thing in the world to me (if I am to live artistically), and it also must not matter at all (if I am to live sanely).

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

Lastly, yes, there are Wizard of Oz allusions. I love the image of Glinda the good witch floating in her bubble, and thought it was a lovely way to describe how I was feeling. Also, I had recently rewatched the movie and the ending was not how I remembered it, and I was disappointed. To be honest, I don’t remember what I thought should have happened. But on that night, riding home, I thought my ‘ending’ wasn’t exactly unfolding how I had planned either, but that endings never really matter. They’re easy to replace.

To wrap up this long blog (hey thanks if you’re still reading!) I wanted to talk about when this song came together. I had written the entirety of the lyrics in my head while driving home/immediately upon parking. At our next band practice, Nathan started playing a riff he had written, and I loved it. I said, “I think I have some lyrics that would fit with this,” and pulled up Pink Dress. I started singing, he kept playing, and the entire song was complete within maybe 10 minutes. And in that moment, that magic I had felt came back and I knew I found my perfect songwriting partner. This song will always mean so much to me, and I hope that when you hear it, perhaps you will be reminded that there is still so much magic left for you too.